If you have children together, you will always remain connected as parents, also after a divorce. It is therefore essential to keep communication channels open.
It will be best to agree when and how to have contact. One can agree on a time and place, whether one has contact by telephone, e-mail or meet in person and on the duration of the meeting or telephone conversation. If the relationship is still very tense, it is best not to talk when the children are present.
It is very important that parents keep each other well informed. Has your child been ill or will there be a parents’ meeting at school? Make copies of letters, if necessary, or send each other an e-mail if the school or sports club does not inform both parents.
It is also wise to agree which issues will be immediately communicated to each other, e.g. an accident or a change of the visiting scheme as a result of an invitation for a children’s party. Other issues could perhaps wait until you see each other in your regular contact moment.
It will be good if both parents make sure that the children do not become messengers between the parents.
Children often do not accept a new partner of one of the parents at first. It is important that the child can express this, without the other parent joining in.
"Time is money, so let's get to the point."
Clients frequently call on us with a request to quickly settle their divorce. They indicate from the first meeting that they have spoken about everything already and have come to an agreement, but still need to settle things with a mediator.
As a mediator one has to be aware of the fact that time is money. However, it is our experience that one should take the time to hear both parties’ stories, before negotiations take place and agreement is reached on a division of home and possessions. Questions on the following issues may be important:
Which aspects of the relationship were positive according to the partners?
When and how did tensions arise?
Were these spoken about?
Have both partners taken steps to resolve these?
How did they do this?
Has one of them ever called in help?
What was the result?
Did things improve or did they go wrong again after this?
It may seem contradictory at first to give attention to questions like these. It is not a therapy session; it is not aimed at the past, but directed towards the future.
This is absolutely true, but in order to be able to make agreements with each other one has to understand what went wrong in the past and why. One has to pay attention to this in order to avoid making the same mistakes again.
Irritations were often not spoken about in the past. The partners have never taken the time to talk to each other about them and as a result these irritations start to dominate the atmosphere.
Unfortunately these topics are often not talked about while people are still ‘happily married’, but are raised for the first time when they visit the mediator.
Although therapy is not one of the mediator’s tasks, it can be advantageous to give attention to the above mentioned questions. The relationship may have ended, but often the two parties will be in contact with each other anyway (not as lovers, but as parents of their children). Therefore it may be a good investment to give attention to this, in order to prevent the ‘after-marriage’ from suffering from too much tension and to be able to understand each other better. This may create a win-win-situation, which will only benefit the children.